How Not to Get Pepper-Sprayed in the Face
It was surprising to him that driving a stolen car and ramming it against the front of the store wasn’t as helpful as he had imagined it would be.
Maybe he thought the armed robbers would freak out by the sounds, get scared, and run away.
Maybe he even started daydreaming about all the medals he would be awarded as a civilian hero.
Instead, he got pepper-sprayed in the face.
I mean, talk about ruining your relationship with a perfectly good condiment for the rest of your life. And for what? For doing the right “wrong” thing.
Last month, there was a smash-and-grab armed robbery in Petaluma of a jewelry store called “Gold Rush.”
A bystander saw this happening, then decided to intervene by jumping onto the running, getaway car and smashing it into the jewelry store’s storefront.
Now, this person’s response has been the talk of the town.
What can I say?
We live in a very good city that is also very, very sleepy and things like this almost never happen.
You will be surprised to know I do not think that terrible, horrible, no good, very bad idea was the worst possible idea.
As suburban residents have taken to discussing this robbery with great excitement, the one comment I have heard the most is “I would’ve driven the car away.”
Now, THAT is a worst idea.
But, first, my credentials.
I grew up in Colombia, where we are taught early on not to take candy from strangers, AND also how to behave if someone pulls a gun on you and asks for your things.
I have been held at gunpoint twice in my life.
I have been at parties where, one moment, you are dancing and the next, you are running for cover, wondering if you brought this on yourself by dancing “La Macarena.”
I have had friends and family members who have been gunned down — most of them for being at the wrong place at the wrong time.
So that’s where I learned, when you see a gun come out, you look for cover.
That’s it.
If you are someone who sees a gun come out and asks themselves, “How can I get involved in this situation?”
Then let me tell you, you grew up in a good neighborhood. And it might be one of the only times where growing up in a good neighborhood is actually a liability.
Ask any person who grew up in a bad neighborhood.
When I first heard the story of this man, the first thing I said was, “He is lucky he didn’t get shot in the face.” He is lucky that the extent of his damage is that he will never be able to react the same way when someone pulls a pepper grinder next to his pasta at an Italian restaurant.
But surprisingly, that is not the worst reaction he could’ve had.
An even worse response would’ve been to drive away with the getaway car.
The only thing I can think of when I hear “I would’ve driven away” is “Really? That’s your plan? You are going to prevent six criminals who have nothing to lose from their life dream of robbing a jeweler at gunpoint from escaping. While you are celebrated and hailed in the news as a hero, they will be in San Quentin with all the time in the world to think about the different ways in which they will torture you before ending your life.”
That’s also not the worst idea.
The worst idea would have been to actually get in the middle of the action and try to stop them yourself.
Which no one yet has actually said, “I would stop them myself.”
But while I haven’t heard anyone say it, I wouldn’t be surprised if I did.
We live in a culture where everyone takes a form of martial arts and watches movies with Vin Diesel and The Rock, and they feel empowered to take on the world.
Even people who Zumba once a week have a bit of delusion as to who they can and can’t take down.
Now, I have talked a lot about all the worst ways to respond to witnessing an armed robbery.
What is the best response?
Well, the best response is you turn around like you forgot to turn off the stove in your house, you powerwalk like you are losing a battle with a #2, and once safe around the corner, you pull your phone, and who are you going to call?
No, not the Ghostbusters.
The police.
They are trained for situations like these and not by watching John Wick Chapter 4 like you train for imaginary fights with your neighbors over fence disputes.
The truth is, none of us knows how we will respond in situations like these.
When I was twelve in Barranquilla, there was a very popular restaurant about a block away from our apartment. They did hot dogs and burgers, but better.
Americans invented the art of the hot dog, but Colombians perfected it.
A Colombian Hot Dog has the regular stuff American ones have, like a bun and a sausage, but then they add shredded iceberg lettuce, crushed potato chips, and shredded cheese.
Then the toppings gave the hot dog its nationality. So the Italian hot dog had a giant slice of mozzarella on top, the Argentinian had some Chimichurri, and the Swiss had a much bigger sausage because, for the Swiss, size matters.
My mom invited my friend, Juan Felipe, to come with us.
Juan Felipe and I lived in the same neighborhood and were in the same class at school.
The restaurant had an indoor and an outdoor section.
That day, we sat outdoors.
While we were eating, without us knowing, there was an armed robbery happening inside.
We found out when we saw the man come out running with a 38 long-barreled revolver in his hand, and we heard the screams coming from the inside.
I joined my mom and my sister in diving under the table like everyone else outdoors.
My friend Juan Felipe… Well, let’s say he had different plans.
He got up from his seat and took off after the man.
Did I mention Juan Felipe was also twelve?
So the man gets to the motorcycle, jumps on the back of the motorcycle, and shoots his gun.
That’s when Juan Felipe decided to dock for cover.
Luckily for Juan Felipe, he aimed at the sky.
My friend jumped on the floor and put his hands over his head… in the middle of the asphalt road.
We waited to make sure the man was really gone before walking over to my friend to ask him, “What were you thinking?”
He simply responded, “I have no idea.”
Which is a far more honest response than, “I would’ve jumped on the car and driven away.”
Honestly, he is lucky he did not get shot in the face.
