Petaluma Ten-Minute Play Festival - Selected Play Script
Juan Carlos stands at the sink staring out the window. He dips his tea bag by the string, moving it up and down.
Eva enters.
EVA: Hey, babe. When did you get here?
JUAN CARLOS: (without turning around) Goood. Good.
EVA: How are you doing?
JUAN CARLOS: Yeah, I can eat.
EVA: Sit down. You didn’t text me to let me know if you got the promotion. But I figured you would, so I made your favorite food to celebrate: Mac and cheese with ketchup.
JUAN CARLOS: Oh, you know, same old. Same old.
EVA: What? Juan Carlos! Hey!
JUAN CARLOS: (turning around, annoyed) What?
EVA: What's going on?
JUAN CARLOS: Nothing.
EVA: You look pale and clammier than usual, and you're dipping your tea in nothing.
(Juan Carlos pulls the tea bag out, flips the mug, confused)
JUAN CARLOS: I don't know. Maybe I'm coming down with something.
EVA: You better not. You can’t feel sick. You only get enough PTO to visit my parents on Thanksgiving.
Juan Carlos takes a seat.
JUAN CARLOS: Remember how you told me that you would always have my back no matter what.
EVA: What? When?
JUAN CARLOS: What do you mean, "When"? When we got married.
EVA: Did I say that?
JUAN CARLOS: Pretty much.
EVA: What you are telling me is very specific, and all I said was that I would be with you in sickness and in health.
JUAN CARLOS: That!
EVA: You got "I would always have your back no matter what" from that?
JUAN CARLOS: What else would it mean?
EVA: That I would be with you in sickness and in health. It doesn't say anything about having your back.
JUAN CARLOS: Well, do you?
EVA: Do what?
JUAN CARLOS: Do you have my back?
EVA: To a certain extent.
JUAN CARLOS: What do you mean, "To a certain extent"?
EVA: I can't just have your back no matter what. We are not mobsters or a 90s boy band. It’s a figure of speech.
JUAN CARLOS: "A figure of speech"?
EVA: Yeah, you know, exaggerating to make a sentiment more beautiful, but not because you mean it like I will love you forever, justice for all, or buy one get one free.
JUAN CARLOS: So you don't love me unconditionally?
EVA: I love you a lot.
JUAN CARLOS: Unconditionally?
EVA: Hmmm… sure.
JUAN CARLOS: Do you?
EVA: Well, that's just a figure of speech.
JUAN CARLOS: I don't know what to do with that.
EVA: Don’t worry about it, babe. Just behave.
JUAN CARLOS: Well, that's the thing…
EVA: (confused) What?
JUAN CARLOS: My performance review…
EVA: Yeah… You got it, right? We can really use the money. I want to build a granny unit to show my stupid brother that he is not the only one who can host our parents against our will.
JUAN CARLOS: I did not.
EVA: Again? You got passed over? Again? Jesus, Juan Carlos, when are you going to make things happen?
JUAN CARLOS: Well… I kinda did… I… I… I killed my boss.
EVA: What???
JUAN CARLOS: He told me that they didn't even need AI to do my job; he said a monkey could do it and that it wouldn't even have to be a special monkey.
EVA: So you killed him?
JUAN CARLOS: When I found out I wasn’t even getting a cost-of-living raise, I panicked. I knew how much you wanted this for yourself.
EVA: But how?
JUAN CARLOS: The only thing around was a three-hole puncher.
EVA: A three-hole puncher? And what happened after?
JUAN CARLOS: I don't know. The adrenaline took over me; I stood over his body and just said, "There can only be one Carlos."
EVA: Why would you even say that? That makes no sense. You didn't even say there is only one Juan Carlos.
JUAN CARLOS: Are you worried about that right now? I killed my boss!
EVA: That's exactly the kind of thing I have been warning you about. You are just too emotional. Why couldn’t you just quiet quit?
JUAN CARLOS: When have I done anything quietly???
EVA: Being loud and killing someone are two different things.
JUAN CARLOS: I just snapped. I kept thinking I was going to have to tell you, and you were going to be so disappointed. You said you wanted this promotion. Remember?
EVA: Me?
JUAN CARLOS: Yeah, you! You said you never wanted to worry about the price of eggs again in your life.
EVA: Yeah, but I meant work harder, gun for the promotion, maybe embezzle a little — not stab your boss.
JUAN CARLOS: I didn’t stab him. And how was I supposed to know that that was what you meant?
EVA: How would you know not to stab another human being?
JUAN CARLOS: I didn't stab him. And none of that matters now. We need to think about the body.
EVA: The body?… Where is the body?
JUAN CARLOS: It’s in the trunk. How do we get rid of it?
EVA: What do you mean, "We"?
JUAN CARLOS: Yeah, we! Remember our wedding vows? For better or for worse?
EVA: That's not what that means.
JUAN CARLOS: What do you mean it's not what it means?
EVA: No. It means being there for each other during the pandemic, a second Trump presidency, or a high-waist-jeans comeback.
JUAN CARLOS: Yes, all that. But it also means helping me get rid of my shitty boss’ body.
EVA: Nope. I can't. It goes against everything I believe in. It is not right. It's just not the right thing to do.
JUAN CARLOS: Unbelievable! This wouldn't happen if… You know what? Forget it.
EVA: If what? Go on. Say it. If what?
JUAN CARLOS: Forget it.
EVA: If what? If your mom was here?
JUAN CARLOS: Yes! She would not have asked these many questions about something as simple as burying someone I hated.
EVA: There you go again. Of course your mom would have babied you through murder.
JUAN CARLOS: I'm just saying that if my mom were here, she would have done it. No questions asked.
Eva picks up her phone.
JUAN CARLOS: What are you doing? Are you seriously going on social media right now?
EVA: No.
JUAN CARLOS: Then what are you doing?
EVA: I'm calling the cops.
JUAN CARLOS: What?! Why are you calling the cops?
EVA: Babe, I have to turn you in.
JUAN CARLOS: I thought you loved me!
EVA: I do.
JUAN CARLOS: Then why are you doing this?
EVA: You committed a crime.
JUAN CARLOS: Put down the phone. Or I will kill you!! You hear me? Do you even know what I'm capable of? I just killed a man.
EVA: (puts hand over phone) Babe, don’t be silly. You are not going to kill me. You love me unconditionally.
JUAN CARLOS: Oh my god!!!! You are right. I do.
EVA: (into phone) Yes, police. I want to report a murder. Yeah. I can hold. (to Juan Carlos) I'm on hold.
Juan Carlos exits the living room.
EVA: (into phone) Oh, yes. I'd like to report a murder. My husband killed his boss. Right. Hmm. Yep. Yes, it is 226 Weller St.
Juan Carlos comes back with a rollerboard.
EVA: Yes, he is here, but I don't know if he will stay. Hurry!
Eva hangs up the phone.
EVA: Why don't you stay? Turn yourself in.
JUAN CARLOS: I don’t want to go to jail for killing a jerk.
Juan Carlos extends his hand to shake hers.
JUAN CARLOS: Goodbye, Eva. It was nice knowing you.
Eva slaps it away and pulls him into a hug.
EVA: I'll visit you in jail all the time. I would do anything for you.
Juan Carlos pulls back and looks at her, annoyed.
EVA: It is a figure of speech.
This has been this week's fictional script. This story has been selected for the Third Annual Petaluma Ten-Minute Play Festival. Let me know your thoughts. I'm particularly interested in areas where I can make it funnier.
